preteen

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The Greatest of These is Love


Children begin making friendships from their early years in nursery, preschool, children’s church and as they interact with siblings and relatives. All of the relationships in their lives will be built on love at some level. Scripture tells us in John 13:34-35 to LOVE one another:

34“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

I am totally amazed at how little kids are taught at home and at church about friendships, love, relationships, or looking for Mr./Mrs. Right. It is like we leave it out there for them to figure out  on their own.   It is something that affects their entire life whether they are a Christian or not. When you do not teach your child about something, someone else will. There are movies, magazines, and books all dealing with relationships, friendship, marriage and worldly views of love. Because the media throws the word around and makes it synonymous with sex most students I come in contact with have no idea of what makes a real friendship let alone a relationship or what they want in a marriage. As Christians we have the answer straight from the manual.   Have you really considered God’s word and what He has taught about love?  Everything you need to teach your child about these different aspects of relationships is taught in 1 Corinthians 13.  What is Love? How do you apply it to children as they grow so they will know what they are looking for when it “HITS” them?* (PLEASE READ NOTE AT END)

I Corinthians 13     LOVE IS:
kind, patient, never jealous, never boastful,

Love is NOT a game

never proud,

never rude,

never selfish,

never quick-tempered,

never holds grudge,

loves the truth,

saddened by evil,

supportive, hopeful, and trusting.

This is love.  Think about each area and apply them to whatever phase your child is in, learning to make friends, dating, or searching for the perfect will of God in their life mate.  When you are teaching your child about making friends you tell them the same thing you would tell a teenager about falling in love.  Basic truths must be consistent to have value.  They cannot change with age.  They also watch you to see how to love.  All of us can improve in that area.

I firmly believe that there are four areas that apply to making friends, relationships and ultimately marriage, and they are:

Balance all 4 areas
  • Friendship – every relationship should begin with friendship – of all the words describing love above, which one(s) would your child place into friendship?  I would think they would like to claim all of them about their friend, that’s what makes them a best friend.
  • Physical – there is a physical level of all relationships, whether just friends or someone you want to marry.  You should teach them that you have to be comfortable with their physical presence – as they change over time, age, fade physically, or an accident or illness sets in, none of that will matter.  You teach your child that skinny, fat, short, tall, braces … it does not matter.  So when they are older and looking for a lasting relationship, they are drawn to someone regardless of physical flaws. And then when they start dating, and chemistry sets in, the relationship is  not lopsided. Chemistry can fade, a relationship built only on hormones will fail (teach your teens this truth).  I tell kids, physical is not just about being ‘hot’ or ‘fine’.  Everywhere you look you see couples that in the human eye look ‘lopsided’.  And you think, “how did he/she get them?”  They have found the true physical balance that real love is about.
  • Spiritual – you have a spiritual concern for this person as a friend; you have a spiritual bond with them in a relationship.  If you are on two different wave lengths it will not work out. I am not allowed to talk about ‘spiritual’ matters at school.  I can only tell them that if they do not agree spiritually, like both are atheists, both environmentalists, both same theology, same beliefs, like faith, then they are bringing problems into the relationship; major hurdles to be jumped and negotiated until they are gone or they destroy the relationship.
  • Mental – you have to be able to communicate.  Many men do not want women that are more intellectual, but it goes further than that.  If one values the pursuit of education and the other scoffs at it their kids will receive mixed messages.  One will say, go play, you are only young once while the other wants to give them educational goals and values.  It is not just education, it is all things mental, you have to be on the same wave length and have a healthy respect for the other partner’s intellect.  Never should one joke about the other partner’s intelligence.

    • Basically, you have to be healthily balanced in all four areas.  You take into a relationship as few problems as you can, because when you take them in, they are in … until resolved and/or they destroy the relationship.

    When it comes to dating and marriage, the Bible is explicit about Christians seeking Christians.  It is hard to be ‘best friends’ with someone with whom you are not ‘equally yoked’ (2 Cor 6:14-18), even more so in a relationship or marriage.  I would go so far as to teach them they should not date a non-believer.  Do not tempt yourself into falling in love with a  non-believer by dating them.  By teaching your child the scriptures about love and what the four areas are, you help them when they are making those all important decisions in dating and marriage.   When they start dating should not be the first time they have thought about such matters or considerations.  Give your child the greatest gift, the ability to love as Christ loved us.   The greatest of these is LOVE.

    *If you have not already started praying for your child’s future husband/wife, then start now.  I started when my girls were infants.  If children are already teens, get busy praying.  I assure that satan is not waiting in his planning on making a mess of things.


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    Got Time?


    Make Time For Family!

    Family that plays together ...

    Today I watched several families at church interact and it brought to mind several years ago when my husband and I went out to dinner to celebrate my birthday.   We had a great view of the ocean in a quiet corner.  There was soft music, candlelight, and good food, everything conducive to paying attention to each other.  Shortly after sitting down a family of seven was seated nearby consisting of two grand-parents, two parents and three children.  The youngest was small enough to need a booster seat and the middle child was about 9 or 10 years old.  The oldest was probably 14 or 15 years old.  Everyone was barely in their seats before all the electronics were pulled out.  The smallest had a portable DVD player with ear phones and was watching the latest Barbie movie.  The middle child, a boy, pulled out a hand-held video game player and was furiously working his thumbs.  The oldest girl had her cell phone out and was texting away.  I watched off and on throughout the dinner.  The children were quiet, it was true, but with three generations sitting together there was no interaction among the different family members.  It was clear that electronics had long been the babysitter, their parent and best friend.

    Dinner time.  Brings back so many memories doesn’t it?  You gathered every night at the table, everyone talking at once.  Stories of the day at school, a meeting or work.  Fellowship, camaraderie, socializing … just being a family.   Some of my fondest memories are reunions and church gatherings with plenty of food and places to sit and talk.   But then came the gadgets, the electronics that made our lives simpler so we could spend more time together.  Right?  Sadly, it has not turned out that way.   We have lost the ability to communicate and function.   No one can function without their electronics.  We live and breathe by them.  If we have a power failure we will not know what to do.

    The term dysfunctional family is tossed around like seeds to the ground hoping they will take root and grow into something.  The truth is that we need to make our families function again as God intended.  It saddens me to see families ‘together’ without being together.  We are going to have to take action.   Somewhere the keys of control were handed over to the children to the point that no control reaches them.  They all function autonomously.  I doubt that you will be the most popular parent when you take the reins and slow things down.  You must start by taking back the controls so that you can function again as a family.  Saying ‘no’ is harder than allowing them to go their merry way.

    I believe that by allowing them to run their lives free of control, parents are setting an example for their spiritual life as well.  There is a place for control in everyone’s life.  We all need to control ourselves, self discipline is so important to turning over our lives to the Lord.  You cannot be successful in a  friendship, relationship, or family until you are successful in your relationship with Christ.   You will have to bring everything to a full STOP.  Control cannot be taken over at 100 miles an hour without a wreck.  STOP.  Look to the Bible and see what God says.  “Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10) and ” Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger (James 1:19), are good verses to apply in handing over the reins to God.  Children need to be trained from early on about control, boundaries and self discipline.  For those who started late you simply have to start small with your children.  You will have to teach them control, self discipline and applying the truths of the Word in their life through the example of your own life.

    In thinking about meal time I have decided to start another page solely for meals.  My daughters call me from time to time for recipes and hints about shopping and cooking.  So notice my new tab “What’s For Dinner” and let me know what you think!

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    I Get No Respect


    I actually had a student tell me recently that I had to earn their respect and that it was not automatic.  When I asked if their parents had taught them that, they said no and added that their parents also had to earn their respect.  Of course I asked them if that was what they wanted from me; to have to earn my respect?  The student continued the discussion with comments like, “just because you are an adult doesn’t mean I have to respect you”.  Of course these ideas are coming from everywhere, the media, movies, video games, TV … they all are filled with youth that have no regard for authority, position and have little, if any sense, of decorum.  Much is learned from parents as well, who show little respect to others.  It is the ‘do as I say do, not as I do’ syndrome.

    The Bible mentions the word  ‘respect’ and/or ‘honor’, in several forms.  All are signs of character and/or because of good character.  These are  traits we want to teach our children.

    RESPECT:

    • Leviticus 19:3  ‘Each of you must respect his mother and father, and you must observe my Sabbaths.  I am the LORD your God.’
    • Leviticus 19:32 ‘Rise in the presence of the aged, show respect for the elderly and revere your God. I am the LORD.’
    • Exodus 20:12  ‘Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.’
    • Ephesians 6:1 ‘Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.’

    HONOR:

    • Receiving honor: ex. birthright – Exodus 4:22; Psalms 89:27; Jeremiah 31:9; Romans 8:29; Colossians 1:15
    • Showing honor: ex. diligence in what you do Proverbs 12:24;22:29
    • Place of honor: ex. at the right hand – Psalms 45:9; Psalms 80:17 ; 2 Chronicles 24:16,25; 21:2
    • Position of honor: ex. placed in a position to honor – 2 Kings 25:27-30; Jeremiah 52:31-35
    • Act in honor: ex. actions of honorable men and women – Acts 17:10-21
    • Dishonoring: ex. Not honored among peers – Matthew 13:57; Luke 4:24-27; John 4:44
    • Honor to the elders: ex. honoring the aged – Job 32:6,7

    Respect and honor, both are important to the Lord.  You must show Him respect (another blog), then your parents (no age limit here – they are always your parents), and then others.  Many of the Beatitudes relate to respect … they are ‘attitudes to be’.  Do as you say do, your children are watching.

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    But, I want it NOW!


    It is no secret that we are earnestly praying for Phil a job.  For 19 months we have prayed, and prayed and prayed.  I was raised by a praying mom.  My girls were raised with prayer is the answer to all of life’s problems.  You would think I would have learned all there is to know about praying by now.  But, something occurred to me today.   Something I want to teach my girls (even though they are grown).  I was checking in with my sister in KY via a phone call and during the conversation she reminded me of the following story.

    The little boy asked his mother to buy the used bike from the guy down the street.  He wanted a bike really bad.  He kept nagging and nagging his mom for that bike, until one day she gave in and bought him the used bike.  The next day she went to the sporting goods store and canceled the new bike she had on lay-a-way for his birthday.  He could not wait and had forfeited a new bike for a used one just so he could have it when he wanted it. Sometimes, like the little boy, we pray for things and we want them NOW.  We do not know what wonderful thing God has in store for us if we will wait on His timing; so we beg and nag until we get something less than His best.  It does not matter that what we receive is also good, it is that it is not His best.

    So, we are thanking God for His daily provisions.  We have no clue what the future will bring or where our provisions will come from.  Although we are still praying while looking for jobs (God expects us to put action to our faith), we are praying differently.  Now we are thanking Him for His daily provisions, asking Him for the faith and patience to wait on His timing, and thanking Him for the perfect plan and perfect job that is going to unfold in His perfect time.   We are not going to whine and demand until we have settled for something less.

    Psalm 5

    1 Give ear to my words, O LORD,
    consider my sighing.

    2 Listen to my cry for help,
    my King and my God,
    for to you I pray.

    3 In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice;
    in the morning I lay my requests before you
    and wait in expectation.

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    Look at me! Look at Me!


    Dressing Up In Mom's Hat

    LOOK AT ME!  LOOK AT ME!

    The whole world seems to be screaming for attention.  Children learn this concept early on in life.  Unfortunately, too many of today’s children are in competition with their parents and/or their parents living vicariously through them.  You do not have to look far to see examples.

    1) Teen mother at the mall with small infant in her arms.

    The infant is in a diaper and diaper shirt.  The mother’s arm has inadvertently pushed the shirt up exposing the child’s back.  From the waist up is what I presume (and HOPE) is a temporary henna tattoo.  The mother, herself highly decorated in tattoos, is screaming for everyone to look at her … to the point of decorating her small infant and using him to draw attention to herself.

    2)  Young mother at the mall pushing a little boy who is too small to walk in stroller.

    The baby has a Mohawk.  I am not talking a combed with mousse Mohawk. I am describing a SHAVED head Mohawk.   Would you take a razor to your infant’s head?  She is using her small son to scream, “look at me, look at me”.

    3)  Three different expectant women at the beach in bikinis.

    Now you know they KNOW they are being controversial.  But, they do not care about the discomfort of the families with small children and young boys or even the men on the beach that are totally uncomfortable with their ‘look at me’ attitude.  I heard several men use terms, the politest being ‘disgusting’, ’embarrassing’ and ‘gross’.    How sad these women put their own ‘rights’ ahead of others and scream for attention by ‘putting it out there’.

    The same is said of course of the thongs, bikini Speedos on men and overweight women shoved into two pieces.  Each of these people are screaming LOOK AT ME!  It’s a ME generation.  They scream about protecting their environment and keeping it ‘green’.  They will be the first to cry foul over endangered species, yet when it comes to their fellow-man it’s LOOK AT ME.  Hollywood fuels this fire and the eager masses pick up on the latest trends.  They never look at the consequences of these celebrated lives.  They simple want the attention, to be famous; that illusive ’15 minutes of fame’.

    A true claim to ‘fame’ is coming.  When the selfless in Christ arise to meet the Lord.  Teach your children that in all things their lives should give testimony to God and not to themselves.  They will sometimes be in the limelight because of what God is doing in them.  They need to know to show humility no matter if they are famous or obscure.  They should not seek to be in the limelight as their goal.  God says in 1 Peter 5:5b “All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”